Memories floating in the cloud...

Dear readers,

I have a shadow in me. I have kept it in my heart from years. This is a haunting shadow that makes me unable to well-perform myself. This haunting shadow is my background where it contains the way of lifestyle that my family leads that will cause my future to upside down. In a relationship, oneself parents must know how to build up the rapport with the family from the child's boyfriend/girlfriend. This can be assisted with the help of presenting gifts to the other family or invited them over for a outdoor activity. However my parents fail to maintain it. I dare not blame them for unsatisfactory on the presence of my reputation in the eye of my partner's family. I have tried to make thing more presentable in the eyes of them. Unfortunately luck does not seem to be on my way. When my parents resumed their dessert business after a long break, it seems to be a good sign to me. The financial worry is lessened but after a few weeks, my mum had a fall and her hand was injured. The business had to stop. I want to resume the business but there is some barrier issue to why I did not want to touch the business. The way of how my father and I operate the business is totally different. As a result, the conflict of view will occur and quarrels may step in. Additionally my communication with him is not on a good term. Strong stand of a person and disregarding the other people's view will lead to the downpour and isolation of the person from the crowd. In my heart, it really hurts. I want to be like other children in the family; able to talk with father for any topics under the sun and feels the warmth from them. However when my age increases every year, the distance of me from him is even greater. My logic thinking also starts to step in. Different problems starts to stack up on my shoulder. Trying to find the best way to solve it seems to be a rocky journey. The presentation eye on the view of self-family is important.

I am like a lost person who is holding on a small piece of wood to float on the sea which is leading nowhere. Without this piece of wood, I would have been drowned. At this moment, I have zero bet to convince people of how capable I am. Time will tell the truth but how long will it needs to surface the truth and the result? I am battling this shadow for a long time. Am I on the right path to overcome this shadow? I am working to prove myself of what I am. My holiday jobs hunting was been done three years ago. Resume was being sent out to the company, yet no reply was received from them. However this does not stop me. Being pressurized by the fast depreciation of my saving, I am urging myself to find the jobs asap. Recently my laptop was spolit. Now trying to survive without the use of laptop. Moreover I have submitted the change of programme from computer engineering to computer science upon the open of the application. I pray that the request would be granted as I can't longer stand the engineering subjects.

Since the start of my university, my things didn't really go as to what I want it to be. I don't want my girlfriend to be worried about me a lot as I want her to stay healthy and have enjoyed every moment with me. Unfortunately some times the pressure is over the limit that I need someone to talk to. I have made thing as workable as possible. I feel that I have unperformed in the university. For one reason is that I have crashed with problems that I never need to solve it in the past. (The problems here does not consist of relationship) I wonder if one day I am not in this world anymore in my early age, will I be "missed" and awoke them from their dream?

I just feel tired after trying to fight with my shadow. Let's hope for the best. Despite tiredness, I will work even harder to make thing better for everyone.